why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
