I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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