so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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