I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
