I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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