y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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