It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just forgot I was standing up.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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