apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
