How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
