Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
