I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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