hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How does it feel to date your dad?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
