I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
