Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I intend to get homeless drunk
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
