i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
