I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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