my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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