i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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