who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
