bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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