is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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