dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
