tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
