I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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