this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I could fuck to npr.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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