i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
