I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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