I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
