So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I have fence marks all over my body
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
