he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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