I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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