I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
