How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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