overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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