I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
