you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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