Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
