What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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