The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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