I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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