No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
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