i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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