her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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