Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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