dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
