i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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