I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
