That's intense
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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