dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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