i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
